The Captain, The Archaeologist and The Talk
by Jeebus dirtface
Summary: By the crew's hand, Robin has been roped into teaching Luffy the 'Facts of Life'. Let the good times roll!


Author's Note: It's just another little ficlet involving Robin-chwan and the crew. You may find it humorous. There are spoilers for those not up to date on the manga, specifically about Luffy's history.

She wasn't quite sure how she'd gotten forced into this predicament. On previous crews and various nefarious organisations she'd been in, there had been many times where she'd been forced into doing jobs due to her precarious situation. She knew this was most certainly not like those but nonetheless it felt odd.

Outside Robin's room, the crew marvelled at their collective genius. They had been sailing for quite a many days but had not encountered a single incident. This led to two things: their boredom and worse, Luffy's boredom because when the over adventurous captain was bored, he would become highly irritating.

This also led to another matter, pointed out by a half asleep Zoro at the time: Robin. The intense monotony of their day to day lives at current didn't seem to irk her at all. Somehow, she kept herself entertained. Consequently, the crew decided that they entertain themselves at the expense of Robin and Luffy. After all, when had Robin ever really been humiliated or even annoyed by them before?

The master stroke came from the pencil nosed handy man and sharpshooter, impressing, astounding and amazing his fellow crewmates at the revelation. According to him, Luffy had never had 'the Talk'. Gasps, snorts, and chortles went round the circle before they continued their discussion.

It was devilish navigator who then continued to progress their idea further, stating that Robin should be the one to give him 'the talk' as she was the most mature of the group.

However, the first mate spoke out against it; claiming that Chopper was much more suitable for the job, being the doctor of the ship. He was received with glares proclaiming he was an idiotic first mate, complimenting his captain, as voiced by Sanji. Suffice to say this led to a mini-brawl, which was quelled as quickly as it started by a pair of smacks to the back of the head, courtesy of the navigator. She told Zoro to think about it, and left him at that, with a contemplative expression on his face.

Meanwhile, they put their plan into action. Sanji acted like himself around Nami and Robin in front of Luffy as he complained about his boredom. The conspirators ignored him, continuing their charade, for Nami at least, unabated. Robin watched the scene curiously, noticing the subtle change in behaviour of the navigator. Then, he took the bait.

"Eh, Sanji, why do you always act like that around Nami and Robin? And all other women?" The slightest of smiles crept up on the pair, witnessed by Robin.

"Because he's a lovesick fool." Zoro answered rudely, taking a swipe at his rival.

"What did you say, shitty swordsman?!" Sanji stopped swooning over the women now, directing his testosterone to the former pirate hunter.

"What? Sanji's sick? We should get Chopper now!" Luffy exclaimed. As ever, he was unpredictable, potentially ruining the plan. However, this time Robin introduced herself into this little farce.

"It's an expression, Captain-san. He isn't actually ill; he simply lusts after women openly." The captain scrunched his face in thought before replying.

"So, Sanji's got lust?" Luffy deduced, concerned for his friend's health. Nami, unsatisfied by the lack of development with the plan, decided to take matters into her own hands; trust the Cook and Swordsman to screw things up.

"Luffy, do you know anything about the birds and bees?" He looked at her like she was an idiot.

"Of course I know about the birds and bees! Who doesn't?" Robin couldn't help but chuckle at that; clearly, they weren't on the same level of understanding. Nami tried a more direct approach, exhaling exasperatedly.

"Have you had the talk?" Luffy scratched his head confused. She huffed again, causing Robin to further laugh at the scene.

"Do you know what sex is?" She outright blurted it now, almost in desperation, and yet, she still wasn't prepared for the answer he came out with.

"You mean the talk?" Nami screamed irately at the captain's extremely off the wall responses. Though the frustration was genuine, she used this as an opportunity to carry out the plan.

"Robin, you better take him inside and give him the talk before I rip his throat out," with that ultimatum, she stomped off angrily as Luffy watched her, with a bewildered expression on his face. Meanwhile, the Swordsman and Cook's argument had escalated into a fully fledged brawl. As a result, it had become too noisy to really explain anything this delicate to Luffy.

"What was she talking about?" Luffy scratched his head once more, the grey matter in his brain stretched to its very limits.

"Come with me, Captain-san. I'll try to make things clearer for you." With that, she got out of her customary deck chair and led the way to a quieter cabin, with an eager Luffy in tow. For some odd reason, he could feel that familiar sensation of adventure.

And thus, it was when they arrived and she sat him down opposite her that she realized what had just transpired. She had to hand it to them; it was very believable and pulled off magnificently. If she listened hard enough, she could hear the fight continuing on the deck. Perhaps not all of it was a charade after all…

Well, now was a good time as any to get started.

"Captain-san, do you know how you were born?"

"Uh…" He thought hard for a moment but shook his head. It figures; he didn't even know he had a dad until a few weeks ago. She decided to try a different, more obvious approach.

"Captain-san, do you know what these are?" She pointed to her bosom and he replied like a schoolboy.

"Yes, that's your chest." She smiled at his innocence. She almost didn't want to tarnish him with the knowledge she was about to unleash on him.

"You know that there is a difference between a man's chest and a woman's?" He nodded his head.

"Of course I do! Any fool can see that!"

"That's because this isn't just a chest. These bumps are called breasts."

"Breasts? You mean like chicken breasts?" Trust Luffy to relate it back to something so familiar to him yet obscene to others.

"Something like that, Captain-san. But you don't eat them." Now he returned to his confused state. She continued, having garnered his attention.

"When a baby is born to a mother, these breasts enlarge to produce milk to feed the baby." A thousand questions swum around in Luffy's head now amidst the confusion displayed on his face. It was too much for the poor boy to take in, Robin surmised. He wondered so many things but there was one thing compressing all others in his mind. He decided to follow that route.

"So is it like a cow?" Robin cocked her head and smiled.

"Something like that." Then, an expression between shock, disgust, and awe crossed Luffy's face. He pointed at her chest accusingly.

"Is that where Sanji gets our milk?!" Despite being the most controlled temperament of the Straw Hat Pirates, there was no way in this life she was going to be able to hide the rapid redness forming in her cheeks. He was just too unpredictable to maintain such a calm façade for too long.

"It is!" He reiterated. He started gagging now, as if trying to throw up his last meal…which involved dairy products. Robin's embarrassment had long passed now and she was trying to hold back her laughter in order to tell Luffy not to worry.

"Captain-san, the milk that Cook-san used is from cows. There's no need to worry." He looked up midway through trying to now wrench it out of his gut with his hands.

"Huh? The milk ithn't from yourth or Nami'th breasths?" He spoke with a heavy impairment, courtesy of his hand down his throat. Robin wondered briefly how he was managing to breathe. She nodded reassuringly and he pulled his hand out, choking slightly on removal.

He turned to walk away sneakily, so to escape any more 'knowledge' that Robin would endow upon him. However, sneaking away in plain sight has never worked for him, and today was no different.

"Captain-san, there is still more to learn. That was only a taster." Though she couldn't see his face, she could tell that he had a frightful expression on his face. Despite her reassurances, he was still suspicious regarding Robin and although not present, Nami.

Outside, Usopp had been the only one present at the time, hearing the commotion, even if he couldn't quite understand what was going. He had lost the smallest straw loses contest and was forced to keep watch until something interesting happens. Fulfilling his job, he called for the others, using the signal: waving a mini jolly roger. The crew quickly abandoned whatever action or inaction there were up to and camped outside.

She paused briefly to plan how she was going to go about the next part; where things really got hardcore. Taking a piece of paper she scribbled down something hastily, inspected it before altering it slightly so it satisfied her needs. She switched the paper over, and proceeded to scribble another thing down before it complied with her requirements. Then she turned back to Luffy who resumed his position on the floor, sitting cross-legged, like a schoolchild.

"Captain-san, do you know where babies come from?" He then looked momentarily annoyed, as if she was treating like…a schoolchild.

"Of course I do! They come from women!" Well, it's a start, Robin supposed.

"But do you know how exactly they come about?" Now he looked philosophical in an attempt to rack his brain for answers and yet, he had none. He shook his head to answer. It looked like the drawing was not in vain.

"Where should I begin…?" She wondered aloud as she tapped the pencil against her jaw. He looked at her with big, expectant eyes, almost eager for the knowledge she was about to impair him with. He may never be the same again.

"Captain-san, do you know why people have fathers?" He shook his head now.

"I don't know…I never had a father until a few weeks ago!" It was true, she thought. He had not known about Dragon at all until his marine hero of a grandfather told him. This was more a job for him, but considering the mysterious man's circumstances, it was better he isolate himself from Luffy as opposed to endangering him with his love.

"Robin, what are you thinking about?" She snapped out of her thoughts and back to the task at hand.

"Captain-san, you know that there are other differences between men and women asides their chests?" He flinched at the mention but continued to listen, out of a sort of disgusted awe, similar to when there's an accident and everyone gathers around.

"There are other differences as well in our bodies," she continued, "these other differences occur in the same place." She raised her arms in a defeated manner deceptively, so Luffy would not be able to react as hands sprouted from his sides and clutched his manhood. Now he knew how Franky felt. Luffy started rolling around on the floor but another pair of hands had clamped over his mouth so he could not scream.

"I'm sorry, Captain-san, but this may be the only way you can understand." Luckily, Luffy had eaten the right devil fruit to deal with this, to an extent. Nevertheless, the feeling was not exactly comfortable.

"At your groin, you have this, am I correct?" She lifted the piece of paper to show a picture of a phallus; the male organ, and other various nicknames. He nodded his head slowly, still restrained by her devil fruit abilities.

"This is what men have; its official term is called a penis and the balls are called testicles but there are various other names for it." So far, he was getting the picture. Now, it was time to drop the bombshell. She flipped the paper over to reveal the picture of the female equivalent. He looked at it with a dazed expression on his face, though that may have been simply due to lack of oxygen.

"This is what women have instead; its official term is the vagina and the round parts are called ovaries but once again, it had many other varieties of names." His eyes widened in reaction, and he tried to say something but only a muffled noise expressed his concern. She gambled on releasing the clutch around his mouth.

"It's just a big hole!" He exclaimed in earnest discovery of this forbidden fruit. She decided to play him along.

"And what happens to holes?" He racked his brain for the answer.

"They get filled?"

"Correct, Captain-san. What do you think fills them then?" Once again, his brain erupted in a frenzied storm, searching for the answer. Yet he could find nothing. Taking an alternate option, he thought to himself…what would he do if he needed to get filled? And then it hit him.

"Meat!" He almost screamed out, had it not been for the clutch still around his nether regions. Outside, confusion and hilarity reigned supreme among the intruding crew.

Meanwhile, Robin found herself blushing again at the sheer innuendo of his answer. Regaining her composure, she continued the lesson.

"You're not so far off, Captain-san. It is a type of meat but it comes from the man only." Luffy pondered her last sentiment. A meat that only came from men…what could that possibly be…what do men have that women don't…and then the awful truth hit him harder than any bullet had; harder than any of his Grandpa's punches of love. His bottom lip started quivering in fear of this revelation. Robin could see that he had come to conclusion she led him to.

"That's basically how babies are made, Captain-san," she rounded off.

He barely heard her. He had gone into shock now; beyond the barrier of shouting out in surprise and disgust. She released him from the Franky Clutch, named after the first victim. Slowly, Luffy regained control over his limp body, got up, and silently began heading for the door.

"It's gone quiet in there. Do you think we should check?" Usopp whispered in worried tones. It didn't seem like Luffy as there was no noise. However, his worry for Luffy turned selfish when Nami gave him that deadly glare. She could be a scary woman.

"Uh, Captain-san, before you go," Robin started again. He stopped but didn't turn to face her. He could never look at that woman the same again. "To answer your question about why Cook-san acts like he does around women…" He temporarily snapped out of shock.

Oh, she was going to have one last shot at his innocent mind. This opportunity was too good to pass up. She approached him from behind and draped her arms over his chest. He could feel her chest against his back, those…things squeezed against him. He gulped nervously. She moved her mouth over to his ear and whispered seductively:

"Some men find this attractive. Some men enjoy a woman's body as I've described it, physically."

The crew had edged dangerously close to the other side of the door, and so were ill-prepared when the door crashed open, scattering bodies everywhere. However, despite the chaos, the focus was quickly restored, in a manner of speaking.

Luffy and Nami had landed besides each other. As he recovered, his eyes shifted several times. First, he looked at Nami's face to see if she was fine. Then his eyes swept over body to do the same, initially. However, they found their way onto her chest. Recalling the earlier events, his eyes enlarged in horror. He looked in Robin's direction, standing at the doorway and then back at Nami's chest. Stumbling backwards he exclaimed, pointing his finger accusingly at her:

"You've made a baby! You've made a baby!" Everyone had recovered now and witnessed the scene unfolding before them. Luffy continued his statement a few more times before he clumsily got to his feet and darted off. He could never look another woman the same again.

"Must've been something I said," Robin flippantly commented.

Usopp watched his friend scurry away at record speed and then looked at Robin, who was laughing pretty hard right now. Now, he got the same feeling he had when she first joined the crew. She was too dangerous; much more dangerous than Nami.

Author's Note: And that's the end. As always, reviews are welcomed. And yes, I know Luffy could probably find a way out of Robin's clutch but would he really bother? She is his nakama after all. And yes, I've been informed that Luffy has had nosebleeds when he saw Nami naked twice, once as Bon Clay and the other at the end of the Arabasta. That's doesn't mean he's not innocent though. Besides, it's a fanfiction.

You may be thinking...this should be rated higher...well...I don't. It's not so 'adult themed' as you learn most of this stuff as you become a teenager. Hell, some learn it before reaching 13. It's just like a lesson that you have in school...which aren't rated that high. My school taught me when I was...9.


End file.
